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Iraq Pages
February 24, 2003
The Department of Defense awarded than four million medals to Americans who participated in the Gulf War, which lasted about three months in 1991. A high-ranking Army officer, trying to justify the cost for what might have been a bad case of medal-inflation, said that the awarding of the medals was not only good for morale, but also good public relations for an Army that had severe morale problems following the Viet Nam War. For most of the military in the Gulf, it was not only their first taste of combat, but also their first medals as well.
Once soldiers lose their combat virginity and realize that promotion is based upon how colorful their chests are, they're going to want to continue to invade countries and humiliate peacocks. The Pentagon is only happy to oblige, as this semi-official not-so-secret transcript of a recent meeting reveals.
"Col. Klunk, as our top PR advisor, I believe you have some ideas on how to get more medals."
"Thank you, Gen. Kuhster. "The Gulf was a PR coup for us, so we need to intensify our existing positive behaviors by reversing counterindicative negative behavioral attitudinal objectives, pursue a focal point objective, take a proactive stance, find a synergy, and target our selected publics."
"In English, Colonel."
"We redouble our efforts to get rid of al-Quada and Osama bin Laden."
"Not a possibility. Except for those devious Israelis, there isn't a nation on earth that has the military intelligence to find a 6-foot-5 Arab on dialysis who rides horses and sleeps in caves."
"Fifteen of the 19 hijackers came from Saudi Arabia. We could nuke that desert into glass. Wipe them sheiks clear into democracy, force them to grant equality to all their citizens, then raid the Medicare budget to mint more medals for our heroic soldiers!"
"But, Colonel," said the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, "if Saudi Arabia becomes a true democracy, it'd have to allow women and gays to serve in combat units."
Col. Klunk immediately saw the problems of a democratic invasion, but was undeterred. "North Korea! That axis of evil power is a threat to all of Asia. We'll call it a global humanitarian mission. Those weeping sister knee-jerk liberals on the eastern papers would fall for that in a drop of a politician's morals."
"Not good," said the general. "I doubt the President will approve, especially since the Secretary of the Department of Oil and Greed doesn't think North Korea has any resources worth seizing."
"We'll find a country in Africa. Makes no difference which one. None of the media give much coverage to Africa anyhow. We could invade the whole continent, and the media would still be running stories about pop-singer navels, Michael Jackson's nose job, and whether 'Friends' will have another season or not."
"Africa's out," said Gen. Kuhster, reminding Col. Klunk that even the Army needs possible cause to launch an invasion.
"Haiti."
"Most of the Haitians are in Florida or on boats somewhere. Besides, it'd take too long to explain to the President where Haiti is."
"Let's run this one up the flagpole and see who salutes it," said the military flack. "We launch a Defcon 1 invasion of Colombia, neutralize the opium dens, and make the world safe for lite beer. More than anyone else, the media will love us for that!"
"Can't do that either, Colonel. Many of our allies depend upon family farm opium growers for their economy. Don't want to upset the balance of trade--or of the need to increase foreign aid to replace the loss of the farmers' crops."
"We invade France. I never did like those snooty snail-eaters." Gen. Kuhster shook his head, explaining that no matter how arrogant the French are, they're still allies. "Some allies!" whined Col. Klunk, "They don't even let us invade their country so we can boost morale."
"Now, Colonel," said the chairman soothingly, "Our Commander-in-Chief isn't opposed to sending combat troops all over the world, but I suspect he just won't like the countries you've suggested."
"I know where you're coming from," said the flack, "and I appreciate your sharing this with me."
"You don't have an idea, do you?" asked the general. But, in PR, imitation and repetition is the sincerest form of guaranteeing you won't have to have an original idea.
Col. Klunk thought a moment--for moments are all that PR people can think--and had a suggestion. "Do you think it'd be too difficult to convince the president that we should again invade Iraq?"
When the laughter died down, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs ordered the Pentagon's PR division to begin planning for another four million medals--and, maybe, just a few more body bags.